Saturday, August 9 (Letter to Michelle) Sent the last one just to make sure you had not responded yet. However, you had not so on with the banter. Well actually, I cannot think of any, but I want you to know how much I love you. I know we have not said it face to face and over the phone was nice but not what I really want. I am so looking forward to the day that I can look you in the eyes and say it. I also thought I would say it since I am flying across an ocean soon and although planes have been proven the safest form of travel and I have found that I rather enjoy flying, things happen in the world that are out of our hands and cannot be explained. Many people have lost there lives to many silly ways and air travel is one of them. You will not like me talking about it and I do not like to admit it myself, but men were not meant to sit with the clouds between their feet and I just want you to know, if things do not work out so well, how much you mean to me. God has a plan, never more have I believed this, never more have I realized I am to actually do something, and never more have I had absolutely no clue what that is. People have actually told me that I am to do great things, before this trip. On this trip, I have learned of the many, many problems in the world, but no one has any real answers. I have learned that the US causes and prohibits the solving of many of the problems. I am aware that most the people in the US do not know much about anything and believe their leaders and the press. I am only 23 and I fear that I am too young to do anything, but by the time I am old enough it will be too late. This leaves my heart in great despair. I would love nothing more than to be a teacher in Quincy or outside, and marry you and raise our children in our little house in the country. I have to apologize and fore warn you that in my heart, this seems to me to be my easy way out. If I were to have this life, I fear for the future of our children. I have never been and environmentalist, and when I throw something on the ground and someone says think about your children and grandchildren, I have taken it as a weak argument. Something they say when they do not have a good reason and just want to make you feel bad. That is not the case when it comes to war and politics. I am afraid of the world we are leaving for our children. I fear that it is going to be a place that rules will hold no sway and that government will be ruled by money. I feel that our country is heading on a path of destruction and there are no brakes. I want to know why I think I can do anything. Why am I not satisfied with a small country house with children, you, and happiness? I want someone to talk me out of it. I want to know what will satisfy me. Why is the question to which no one has the answer, but it is the only answer I seek? Michelle, if this trip was supposed to change me in some way, I think it has. It has shown me that I was correct in most things I assumed about our country and showed me that if anything, things are worse. What I did not get on this trip were answers. I am in a deep state of confusion. My mind is filled with more thoughts than usual and being alone most the time does not help. I do not know why I just spilled all that. I imagine that it sounds pretty depressing and confusing, and it is, but I am a little tipsy too. I like to get that way before a long train ride. It seems to help. However, consider yourself warned. I intend to marry you in the future and the path that life leads me, as of right now, does not look to be a road of meadows and flowers. Not that any life is simple or easy. I really do not know what I am trying to say, only that, after this trip, I do not think I can be around your Grandfather and not open my mouth. I have a feeling that a time will come for me to make a choice, and it will not be a simple one or one that is well supported. That choice will determine many things about the life I will live and the man I think I am. It will be a difficult time and I pray that when the smoke clears, I will see your smiling face. Do not be alarmed because I do not see this happening for a while. Just had to do some ranting and I had some time. Save this letter to remind me later when I might seem to lose whatever spark has seem to have been lit under my ass. Know that I love you and as long as I live and you will have me, we will never be apart for this long again. Love Matt.