Sunday, June 22, 2003

Well today, sucked and it is only 12:30 P.M. Started off from our "bed" at 4:00 A.M. because the bugs were eating us alive. Started on the down slope of the gap, which was awesome because we probable went five minutes without pedaling. When we got to the bottom, things went a rye. The maps that the woman gave us did not really help, so we ended up at a dead end for the river rides. So we went back and took another way and ended up in someone's pasture that was nothing but mud. After getting up to my shins, we decided to turn around and find another way. When we found it, my tire blew, so much so that I could not longer push the bike, so I started carrying it. I tried to make a sling with my sweatshirt and that worked for a while, but Jenn finally came up with the idea to carry the back tire on her bike and push both. This proved to be out best option and lasted until we got the bikes back.

While all this is happening, daylight is starting to break and Jenn notices that I am covered in red splotches. We are not sure if it is from the bugs or the weeds, but it is starting to fade now, so no harm except the feeling something could have been wrong. The bugs, a form of gnat, haunted our every step. When we tried to eat anything or stop, they were as thick as the air itself. I suppose they were just annoying, but at the time, I thought they might be doing the red splotch damage, so I thought they may be dangerous. So we dealt with them all day. The journey ended up being about 5 miles on bike, probable close to 5 miles over rugged terrain with these 2 bikes hooked and the 10 miles up the main road. In the process my watch broke, had very little to drink, and the bugs. I mention them again on purpose to represent how bad they were. Being on a farm and all, I have never really been bothered by bugs, but these were ridiculous.

We are at the train station now and Jenn is sleeping on the floor. It has been a bad day so I feel I have the right to bitch. All day long, all she did was guide the bikes while I pushed both. I understand that it was my bike that blew the tire, so it was not her problem, but man was she bitchy today. And guess what, there was only one person for her to take it out on. She really gives me hell when we get lost, but come on. If you give a person a shitty map and put them in the middle of nowhere in a mountain range in a county he does not know, I really do not know what would make her happy. She was just saying the other day that she was glad I came because I did not really care what we did and was up for anything. But if anything goes wrong, boy, she lets me know how it was my fault and how she will have to double check everything because I will always be getting us lost. She does not want to lead, does not want to follow and it is never her fault.

I just figured out that the shells collected from Inch Beach survived the ordeal. I only know because Jenn asked to borrow a pairs of socks. She fell in the water last night. I should have told her to stick it because just today she was yelling at me for bringing too many cloths. Oh well, she is just a women and they are allowed to be that way I guess.

Maybe it is because I am delirious with sleep deprivation, or the rash, which has gone, seeped in and is making me koo-koo, but I was taking my shower and thinking about love. I have not really gone into too much depth so far in this journal, but I figure this is the place to do it. I love my family, as all people do somewhere deep inside. But they are that, and that is a different kind of love than my Dad's love for my Mom. And another kind of love from a father to a son, and the Lord to his sheep. Then there is the kind that is creeping up to engulf me with Michelle. I just talked to her today and had to cut it short because I was almost in tears. I could blame it on the lack of sleep or the bad day, but I do not think that is right. We are learning in class that most judges and people in general, find the answer they want and then set out to prove its right instead of the other way around. If I were to go about it that way, I could say that Michelle is the one for me, my feelings overwhelm me and the fact that I will not see her breaks me apart. I do not know why it is so hard for me to except what I think I am feeling.

A person questions his faith, but then that is the point. You cannot have faith without doubt. I never thought true love was that way. I thought you would meet the one and you click and there would be no doubt. Sure, you have troubles and trials, but you would not doubt your choice. In a way, I thought that true love was a more powerful then faith. But is it all just the same question and should I just except that I will never have the answer I am looking for. Or is the answer right in front of me, so easily clear to all others and I am blind to it.

If I say the first, how can a person be satisfied not knowing, especially when they are always thinking about abstract things like this and have a wild imagination. If it is the second, why isn't it easier to see. I like to think I find pleasure in the little things and see the happiness in them that some cannot. I guess when it comes to bigger issues in life; I expect them to be more complicated. Which begs the question that I been trying to skirt? Do I love Michelle in that true love way.

Yes. It took me a while to write that. I was trying to figure out a way to prove it logically and what not from the garble above. Yes, I do. There is some doubt in my heart. That what I am saying right now is being forced, but the more I think about what happened on the phone, the fact that it made me feel different than I had before, I think love, true love, is more like faith than I realized. I may doubt it some now and there may sometimes in the future when doubt will gain strength, but that is how faith and true love grow and strengthen. So, I love Michelle. How do I let her know in person when I am away for 7 weeks?

I am just now beginning to realize that this journey is not about Europe or Law but a test on me and who I am. Not all that isolation stuff Father Chris and I talked about for law school was for that purpose. Although I was alone there, it was for here. I do not imagine most people see turning points in their lives until after they see the effects, so I will not say this is, but we will see. I really want to call Michelle back and tell her, but I think I will dwell on it a little more. If it is as powerful as it is starting to feel, it will not be contained.

We are two weeks in and I have crossed one major hurdle. I think I just solved a problem. That is not the right term either, but I think that is this trip's and my isolation's purpose. To work things out in my head. Come back with a solid structure instead of the wishy-washy life I have lived. Now that I have crossed the line of tourist data into the realm of "my head", these journal entries may get pretty weird or intense. I think my next task should be to find what I really want to do.

June 22, 2007

There is a lot in there. I will type a little more here later.

MILK