Thursday, August 14, 2003

I should be home, yet I am only to St. Louis. Still, not the slightest apology. She said that I should have left her. I guess that is as close as it will come. I am riding home with her dad and uncle. But I am out of the planes and a quick 2 hour drive and I will be home. This will surpass the Dublin to Rome fiasco. But it will all be behind me soon. “We have done…what we set out to do. I do so much want to go home.”

What have I accomplished? Found a love, changed my views, realized the life in front of me will be a tricky road or a slightly easier path if I so choose. To teach or change. I guess they are similar, only different in scale and effect. Who knows what the future will bring. After reading my Winston Churchill book, I find it hard to side with modern appeasers. I guess you have to decide that there is am extremely large difference between Hitler and Hussein.

I mean, we sided with Stalin to defeat Hitler. I think Hussein and Stalin are more similar, looks, ideas and all. Makes you wonder that after 9-11 if Hussein would have offered help or handed Bin Laden over, would our government had allied with them to conquer a worse evil. It is strange what bedfellows war makes. But insane dictators are not the most intelligent actors. Stalin trusted Hitler, as did British until almost it was too late, and Bin Laden and Hussein may be in bed together.

Would we ever use one of the two to get to the other? We did as much in the Cold War. Has our strategy changed so much? Just crossed the Mississippi and am back in Illinois, although I am not sure how or what way we are going. Jenn’s dad in driving and he knows we are going to Quincy. I am certain I will make it home eventually, just do not know when. But I am in Illinois and in a van, so I will be able to guide anyone to my home if they ask. But I am not going to tell them how now. And there lies my fault. The non confrontational me. The choice I will have to make is when to kill that son of a bitch that holds me back. And Jenn’s uncle sounds like Michelle’s dad which is kind of spooky.

We are taking 55 North towards Springfield. I am only assuming at some point we will head west. I have a suspicion we are heading to Verdun and then Quincy, which will not put me home until 3. We will see though. Maybe these Van Fossans will do something shocking and drop me off first. Cannot see the logic in the route though. Another thing. We waited for Jenn’s dad because he had the flight to St. Louis after us. So, we waited and she called people for her ride and then she came with her dad and said, “ready”, which I was not, and took off.

I got my bags ready and followed, got outside and saw her way in the distance. But not her dad. I tried to catch her because I did not know what was going on and she got in a car and split. I am wondering whether I had followed the wrong girl, turned around to see her dad standing along the wall. She left, no good bye, no wave, nothing. Left me with her dad, waiting for her uncle. Ands she took my Auschwitz lighter, which is not anything more than a BIC lighter I got at the camp, but a souvenir none the less.

Has to be the most self serving person I know. I really do not know how I will act around her when school starts. I do not think I can spend too much time with her without blowing up at one point, and I do not want to even put myself in that position. I guess we will see.

Well, I am in Verdun, and just like a reliable Van Fossan, Jenn’s dad wants mom or dad to meet us half way. I do not blame him, but it just bites to have to call them. Mom had lunch waiting for me too. And I am so very hungry. But home is getting closer. It may be coming slow, but coming none the less, which is what really matters. I think I have been drained of the excitement factor. It is more of a need than any sort of want right now. This trip home has given me nothing but bad taste in my moth and I cannot help but long for it to end and wonder why it does not seem to. Nothing will seem to go my way, but I am heading in the right direction at least. We will now see what else could possible happen in the next 2 hours to impede me.

The view is definitely different. Not drastically, well accept for the mountains, but different. The trees, there are less and they seem different. More roads, bigger farm silos, different style homes. Not the prettiest sight, but home. Corn is still pretty green but the fields look full. Wonder how the weathers been.